The weight lifted by a simple word: No. (part 2) Â
The weight lifted by a simple word: No. (part 2)
Good on you for being brave enough to come back for a second part. A lot of freelancers think business is won with a yes and honestly, freak out at the idea that 'no' is a good idea. But it is when you learn how to handle it well.
And that's what you're about to learn with part 2.
Let's get back into the last two remaining reasons people often struggle with no.
We’re concerned the impact of saying no may have on our reputation
No comes down to our confidence a lot. And it’s hard to have confidence in your decision to give someone a negative perception of who you are.
The idea of reputation is sold to us. How we work becomes testimonials and referrals. But being a yes man doesn’t mean we look confident.
In fact, consider that phrase yes man. Think about the mental image you get. It’s not positive. And it’s because when you’re a yes man, you aren’t valuing your time or knowing your priorities. You’re aiming instead to be a people pleaser. A yes man says sorry for another person’s apologies.
A yes man is usually seen as slimy, greedy, weak, ineffectual, guileless and untrustworthy. And that’s a lot worse of a reputation to have than someone who demonstrates confidence through knowing what is right for them.
The trick is making sure that when you are confidently saying no, you aren’t giving the impression of arrogance.
How you balance that always comes down to the level of explanation. If you don’t explain much, you’ll look needlessly cryptic or smug. If you over-explain, you’ll seem apologetic and as though you’re overcompensating.
Hard and fast rules of delivering the no:
Keep it warm and charitable
Remove the personal from the equation
Address the matter
Wish them well
For example, a “no I don’t want to work with you because you’ve dicked me around so much I just know this will end in tears†is best delivered as:
Hi client,
I’ve done a bit of thinking since your last email.
I’m excited by your project and think you’ve got a wonderful thing going. However I realise now that you need a kind of working arrangement that I can’t supply you.
Experience has taught me that if we’re mismatched on the rules of engagement, our views on work approach are likely to be too different.
Therefore, I am withdrawing my offer of work on your project.
There are some really talented <whatever they are looking for> at <suggested website> that would be better able to give you the kind of flexibility you require.
I sincerely wish you the best with your endeavours.
All the best,
Rebekah
The moral to the story is stop apologising and deliver the medicine with the spoonful of sugar. It works.
Exercise:
Chart out common times you have to say no in your business
Write out the template email and verbal responses to match those equations
Keep the word limits short and the words used factual but charitable
Activate!
We’re already over-stretched and saying no is harder
Think of your motivation and resilience like a big arse bucket of water. Someone comes along and knocks it, a bit spills.
The day marches slowly on and some of it evaporates. With every task you do, you take a cup to quench your thirst. For every moment where you have to sweat, you may take 2 cups instead of one.
And there could be other aspects of the day such as your emotional state, the employees, the kids and partner, long term clients, old business buddies, questioners via email and social media, suppliers and a whole host of others who drop on by for a nice big old cup of you.
If you’ve run dry threw spills, constant requests, fuelling yourself and a particularly hot kind of day, you could be looking at an empty bucket.
That’s usually when a no that should be uttered can really slip through the net because you simply don’t have the fuel you need in the resilience tank.
So how do you say no when the tank is empty?
Step back and breathe. Don’t be pressured into giving an answer without giving yourself time to recuperate
Write down the situation you are in. Aim for clarity by having to explain it to yourself with words and it may give you the perspective you need
Work through the offer in a detached way. Look at the SWOT analysis from before. Test to ensure the right response only goes to the right opportunity
Buy yourself the time to make an honest assessment. And be mindful that when you’re down, the little chink in the armour is most definitely there.
Overall ways to keep the no quotient within reasonable limits of non-destructive happiness
The truth is, you need to practise the art of saying no until it becomes second nature. That doesn’t mean walking around, saying no to everything. But it does mean building a small yet professional distance between you and the rest of the world. Not a cavernous divide, simply a special place where all spacial boundaries are protected.
Run through a small breathing exercise where you mentally:
Check you empathy
Re-engage with perspective (without flattery or sensitivity)
Fortify yourself against repercussions
Encourage objectivity
Stop justifying the yes
Understand your limits
Prepare a response (not deliver a reaction)
You can practise the art of saying no by starting with small no’s and building up.
Write down 5 things that you usually say no to that you don’t actually like to do. It can be as simple as always getting the pizza that pleases your partner or stopping work to answer the phone
Write down alternative ways to tackle those no’s. Can you suggest a better alternative or delegate the responsibility?
Write down what the new no answer to those moments may be
And make sure you top up the tank as soon as possible. You may find some benefit in my other project, Hacking Happiness, and talking about the myth of work-life balance in a get-ahead culture as part of Vivid Ideas.