The weight lifted by a simple word: No (part 1) Â
The weight lifted by a simple word: No. (past 1 of 2)
No doesn’t have to be the unkind character we think. In fact, he’s sometimes the most charitable character you can encounter. No is the one word that protects you from situations and people that don’t seem right for you. It’s the bridge between how you gut reacts to a situation and how your brain responds.
No saves us from:
The wrong projects, work assignments and opportunities
Including the incorrect people in the mix
The situations that aren’t an emotional, intellectual or physical fit
Spending time and energy on ideas that won’t work
Being taken advantage of
Attempting things we simply don’t have the skills for
Making choices that have too high an opportunity cost
Looking unprofessional
And yet, we struggle with it. So why do we struggle with this tiny two letter word and the heavy burden of responsibility and (often) guilt it carries?
We’re conditioned to say yes
You, me, everyone on this planet- we’re taught no is a negative word and has a negative outcome. When it’s said to us as children, our parents are teaching us manners, protecting us from burning ourselves on the stove, correcting us and our desire to torment siblings and pets, giving us boundaries, and reinforcing behaviour society finds acceptable by teaching us what isn’t cool. And they’re also probably preserving what remains of their sleep deprived sanity in the process.
No is bad. Yes is good. And the more well trained in the world we become, and the more entrenched in the desire to be a positive force in society we would like to be, the more we struggle to say no.
Each of us has learned baggage around no. We take it personally when we hear it, so we don’t want to deliver it. We deem it impolite, uncharitable and not something a team player would say. We think we might miss out on something if we say no. Some of us even suffer from Good Girl Syndrome and want to please people as much as we can.
But that yes stuff we covet isn’t all sunshine, rainbows and daisies swaying in the breeze.
Yes can get you in as much trouble as no if used in the wrong setting. You can’t, as a business owner, say yes to every opportunity.
What if you said yes to every person who wanted you to work for free? Or said yes to every advertising idea that came past? Is every customer or client right for you? Is giving up every weekend or working overtime to suit someone else’s timetable good for your health and relationships? Do you want to raise kids or deal with employees who never learn boundaries?
The answer is no.
You can’t really live on exposure, spend beyond what your business, accept customers that don’t fit your business in terms of core offering and/or work processes and personality. Or forget that your health and family are important.
So why do we struggle so?
Fundamentally, the inability to say no comes down to the following four reasons:
We personalise the no too much.
We worry about the opportunity cost associated with a no and what we may miss out on.
We’re concerned about the impact of saying no may have on how people perceive us.
We’re already over-stretched and having a hard time, so our ability to protect our time and headspace is diminished
Let’s deal with each one separately.
We personalise the no too much
It’s very hard to forget it isn’t a rejection of a person or a way of life when you say no. But the reality is, most of the time we say no it’s because of circumstances, not something personal. It may be a lack of time, skill, motivation, funding, and a whole bunch of other things.
Even if it is a personal thing, that doesn’t mean we should say yes, either.
If you don’t like someone or something, saying yes when you’d rather say no is not sparing their feelings. That’s firmly about protecting your own from embarrassment, reactions to the news or feeling the cringe. And when you do that, you’re actually being a bigger jerk than someone who says a polite, graceful yet firm no.
Why? Well, because you aren’t being truthful. And you’re not giving the person on the receiving end the credit they deserve in allowing them to that no. But you’re lack of faith in someone’s ability to react or respond in a way that minimises your own personal injury doesn’t give you the right to deceive someone.
Or you may be over-valuing the sphere of influence you have on someone, placing yourself in a far more important position than you may actually hold. This isn’t driven by ego (well, it can be but let’s assume you’re a humble little bugger for the sake of argument, shall we?), but because we forget to see the wider picture. The attention of someone asking us to do something can be quite intoxicating. So intoxicating we may not realise we’re one of many options a person has available.
You can break the cycle of this kind of thinking though.
First of all, reframe the conversation.
It’s not about you feeling awkward if someone says no. It’s about giving the other person the information they need.
It’s not about you sparing their feelings. It’s about giving them the opportunity to openly and honestly respond.
It’s not that you’re the only option they have. It may simply be you are an option they are considering. And by saying no, you’re giving them a better option in someone else.
What do you do to avoid over personalising a no?
Anything we over-personalise is about a lack of perspective. And perspective is usually regained through asking qualifying questions, investigating the situation, and taking a step back.
Exercise:
Think about some common times where you have to say no where you make it personal e.g. speaking engagements, when people want advice, when someone asks a favour, when dealing with the line between business and personal life
Write out your current emotions and feelings
Now remove the personal statements and take it back to a more objective point of view
Identify the common emotions that make you feel like saying no is bad – e.g. guilt, ego, sense of obligation, etc
Now think about a way you can give an objective, non emotional yet charitable response
We worry about no and the cost of opportunity
When we say no to something, we can and we do, feel like we’re missing out. It’s only human to worry if you’re going to be the Beatles or Wiggles member who said no. This is especially pertinent to anyone who is in business for themselves because we know we’re entrepreneurial by nature and we know that good things only come to those who hustle.
Yet smart business people say no a lot more than they say yes. That’s because each time we say yes to something, we’re agreeing to give time and effort, money and brain space, sweat and hours, to something. And making sure that the wrong opportunity doesn’t take all that time, effort, money, brain space, sweat and hours away from the right one is paramount.
Assessing what is available helps you gauge what is the right opportunity.
On a logical level, the right opportunity will usually fit into the following criteria:
It has the potential to expand your audience
It pays you money in what you are good at
The people and connections involved are the right one
The challenge is at the right height- not too hard and not too low*
(*you may think that an easy opportunity is a good one, but the most common phrase issuing from a freelancer’s and business owner’s mouth is “I could do this standing on my head BUT...†– if there’s a BUT, there’s something up. And in this circumstance, it usually means that the opportunity may be something we could do but don’t necessarily want to do)
With business opportunities, a couple of reasons are great. But the number one reason is it fits with the business you do now and/or wish to service in future.
After all, there’s no point in selling teapots at an event for free as an honoured guest when you’re actually someone who should be out the front of a crowd presenting on the health properties of tea. It sends mixed messages and may actually turn off your audience.
Want to find out if an opportunity has too high a cost?
That’s an exercise of a simple SWOT analysis of the opportunity:
Write down its strengths
Write down its weaknesses
Write down the opportunity
Write down the threats to that opportunity
Now look at what is staring back at you. You’ll see pretty quickly whether it’s a good idea or not.
Want to ensure you aren’t squandering opportunities by being too hard? Or making sure the things you have chosen to engage with weren’t lemons? Do this exercise:
Go back and check on the things you said no to- how did they fare? Did you miss something cool or dodge a big bullet?
Go back to the things you’ve said yes to- how did they fare? Did you get what you wanted from the opportunity or did it fall flat?
It never hurts to know what you strike rate is in terms of opportunities taken and denied so you can work on making sure you’ve got a good ratio.
Stay seated kids. We're taking the no train to two more stops before we depart the station. See you next lesson!